The answers . . . are simple and few. But many men just don’t get it
Issue 40 : Jan/Feb 2005
In the beginning, God created man, and man built himself a boat. It was good. Adam looked at Eve and asked if she’d like to go sailing. For her part, Eve wasn’t so sure about this, another of Adam’s nutty ideas. However, she went along for the ride.
Unfortunately for the future of Adam’s cruising career, he chose a cold, wet, and windy day. He stayed out too long. He laughed when she panicked. And he shouted when she didn’t pick up the mooring correctly. After that, Adam had to singlehand his boat. Eve went shopping.
Since that day, Adam’s philosophical offspring have often asked themselves, “What does woman want?” The answers, as it turns out, are simple and few. But many men just don’t get it. Those who do get to go sailing with their favorite females along as crew.
As a minority of one, I make the following suggestions on behalf of the silent majority, many of whom will have additional thoughts and comments. If one of those making the suggestions happens to be your wife, pay particularly close attention.
Get her involved from the start
If you’re both new to sailing, read together, go to boat shows together, take classes together, and buy the boat of your dreams together. Together.
Whether new to sailing or not, when you’re buying a boat it goes without saying (doesn’t it?) that a purchase of this size, which will affect your joint lifestyle, should fully involve both of you. Your wife should be equally involved in everything from purchase to upgrades.
If you’re already a sailor and she’s new to it, get her involved in all parts of the experience. Don’t wait until it’s blowing like stink, and you need to put a reef in the main, to ask her to take the helm for the first time. It’s nice to have a second pair of hands aboard all the time. Make sure she helps even when you don’t need an extra set of hands. When it’s comfortable for her. Don’t do everything on board. Uninvolved passengers don’t have as much fun as crewmembers who understand the dynamics of boathandling and navigation.
Make her comfortable
If she’s cold, wet, hot, miserable, sunburned, or seasick, she’s not likely to be a great first mate or eager to return for the next trip. Make sure she’s got good foul-weather gear, sea boots, deck shoes, sunscreen, wind protection, sunglasses, hats, and so on. Don’t give her your leaky castoffs. Invest in your sailing partner’s comfort. Seek out seasickness solutions if she needs them. Avoid bad weather and big seas (rigorously in the beginning of your seafaring adventures). You can’t prevent her from getting wet and enduring some windy and bouncy conditions, but you can be sure she’s not physically uncomfortable when she does.
Physical comfort is a big part of it, but keep an eye on her overall sailing comfort level too. Is she confi dent taking the helm? Is she comfortable when the boat heels? Does she believe in the capabilities of the boat and her skipper? Is she learning new skills about sailing and navigation at her own speed and in her own way? Women are generally more comfortable observing how things are done before doing them. Be patient as she learns new aspects of boathandling. The skills you now take for granted were new to you once too.
Send her to school
If she can’t learn boathandling skills from you (and many wives can’t be taught by their husbands for a variety of reasons), then invest in training through other organizations. Many programs are focused on teaching sailing skills to women. The sheer multitude of these tells you that you are not the only couple for whom the teacher/student relationship doesn’t work. Classes run the gamut from basic sailing to navigation to cruising to offshore passagemaking. Your crew will return with more confidence once she’s accomplished some goals without you.
And when she’s working on your boat on skills that are new to her, keep it stress-free and upbeat. Don’t push, don’t manipulate, don’t overdo it with false praise. Let her assume more and more responsibilities aboard at a pace that works for her. Occasional emergency (or urgent) situations will call for an extra pair of hands, and she may be galvanized into new roles by these situations. She may seem unsure of herself, but if she is able to lend a real helping hand, her confidence will grow and she’ll feel less challenged the next time the wind picks up or you need to reef, stand watches, avoid a collision, or rescue a hat that fell overboard.
Give her some control
She’ll be a more active participant if she has much to say about the agenda for the day and the trip itinerary. On our boat, the skipper is primarily interested in going sailing. Anywhere. Any time. As “operations officer,” where and when and how far are primarily my responsibility and within my control. Our cruises and adventures have expanded in tandem with my expanding confidence, belief in the boat, and absolute faith in the skipper’s ability to keep us out of danger.
Beware of gender-related roles
If all she does aboard the boat is cook and clean (those things we call the “pink jobs”), she’ll prefer to do that at home, thank you. Modern appliances are available there. There’s a lot to be said for labor-saving conveniences, electricity, a full-sized sink and stove, dependable refrigeration, and a stable platform for food preparation. So share in the planning and provisioning as well as the cooking and dishwashing. And go out to eat sometimes, if that’s important to her. (It’s not important to me, so when Jerry takes me “out to eat,” we motor or sail out from our marina somewhere, and I cook. But he cleans up!) Make life aboard fun and not just another place to go to work. What sort of weekend or vacation getaway is that?
On the other hand, do include her in some of what we refer to as the “blue jobs,” such as boat projects, trip planning, navigation, sail changes, helm work, and maintenance. It’s her boat too. Let her play a role in the boatkeeping chores or she might as well crochet afghans or, worse, stay ashore and go shopping.
Temper your expectations
She’s probably not as strong as you are. She can get that sail up, yes. But if you need that extra oomph on the winch to tighten the halyard to your exacting specifications, you may have to do the last crank yourself once the boat’s under way. You may make the final cranks on the jib winches at each tack too. She probably won’t mind. Consider which one of you is stronger, too, when it comes to anchoring and docking roles. It might be handier to take a 400-pound gorilla sailing with you. But would you want to?
Temper your temper
And finally . . . every skipper knows this one: don’t yell when the situation gets out of control. In fact, try not to let it get out of control. Talk through what you’re going to do before you dock, anchor, or make sail changes. Talk about the kinds of things that could go wrong and what to do if those things actually happen. Then do what you’ve discussed. If things still go wrong, talk later about how to avoid the same situation the next time.
Over time, as you work your boat together, you’ll need to communicate less and less about each situation in advance. You’ll both know what to expect of the circumstances and of each other. You’ll be working your boat like a well-oiled machine . . . one she’s going to be happy to be a part of. If Adam had thought things through better in the beginning, Eve would have been asking him when they could go sailing again.
Thank you to Sailrite Enterprises, Inc., for providing free access to back issues of Good Old Boat through intellectual property rights. Sailrite.com
